Cashlock's Blog

A Series of Infomercial Failures

2009-05-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

A Series of Infomercial Failures - Click here for the most popular videos

2009-03-17T12:03:00.001-05:00

Personal Policy #17: Disinterestedness

If you make something for the Internet and DON'T get any hate mail, you made something really boring.

2009-03-08T02:20:00.001-05:00

Personal Policy #17: Office

Remember, nothing fun has ever happened inside of Microsoft Word.

2009-03-07T18:12:00.002-05:00

Personal Policy #16: Panic

Go for it!

2009-02-24T23:38:00.001-05:00

Personal Policy #15: Bad time

It is OK if something bad happens to you as long as the experience makes for an entertaining enough story.

2009-02-19T19:07:00.002-05:00

Personal Policy #14: Prevention

Do not eat more than one half of any pizza*.

*This does not apply to personal class pizzas.

2009-02-19T19:03:00.002-05:00

Personal Policy #13: Bad news

Try to be sensitive when you tell someone that their boyfriend is secretly an international terrorist responsible for death of dozens of Americans.

2009-02-17T11:54:00.001-05:00

Personal Policy #12: Meta-policy

Personal policies regulating caffeine consumption at work are doomed to failure.

2009-02-13T13:47:00.003-05:00

Personal Policy #11: Valentine's Day

Remember that neglecting fake holidays can have real consequences.

2009-02-13T13:45:00.000-05:00

Personal Policy #10: Traffic

Do not follow the siren call of lane splitting.

2009-02-11T19:35:00.003-05:00

Personal Policy #9: Responsibility

Do not take responsibility for anything Kanye West says.

2009-02-10T02:19:00.003-05:00

Personal Policy #8: Ski lifts

Do not ride the Colorado lift at Breckenridge again because it is too damn windy and cold.

2009-02-10T02:17:00.001-05:00

Personal Policy #7: Conversing with strangers

You may proceed under the assumption that the ski lift operator is high, or planning to become high.

2009-02-03T13:27:00.001-05:00

Personal Policy #6: Sauces

You will get your steak with Béarnaise sauce. It is not even a question.

2009-02-03T12:45:00.001-05:00

Personal Policy #5: Airport security

Whatever it is you are thinking about yelling at the TSA agent, it's probably not worth it, no matter how good it would feel.

2009-02-02T14:21:00.002-05:00

Personal Policy #4: Calendars

Never, no matter the circumstance, get more than 2 days behind on your Origami-A-Day calendar.

2009-01-30T18:26:00.003-05:00

Personal Policy #3: Ordering food

At a restaurant, always order food that falls comfortably within the obvious area of expertise for said restaurant.

Get fish at a seafood place. Don't challenge Waffle House to make you a steak. Your dinner is not the opportunity to give a bar cook the chance to practice his risotto. Get chicken wings. Be happy.

2009-01-30T18:17:00.002-05:00

Personal Policy #2: Relationships

Do not get into an argument with your significant other while you are suffering from Internet withdrawal.

2009-01-30T18:05:00.002-05:00

Personal Policy #1: Customer service

Never do anything to a customer that Comcast would do.

New slogans for the city of Atlanta

2008-09-09T13:37:00.003-05:00

When I moved from Atlanta, the city had just launched the new slogan "every day is opening day" as part of a marketing campaign to boost tourism. (They also built an aquarium). I assume this is still the slogan and I think it is time for an update. Here are five suggestions:

Better than Chattanooga. Way better.
Why not spend a few hours in our airport while you travel to your real destination?
Atlanta: The capital of Georgimissibamolina
Atlanta is A+ (Graded on a curve versus the rest of the region).
CNN? Coke? Outkast? Don't act like you aren't impressed.
Atlanta: Any reason is a good reason for a gas panic.

YouTube Post

2007-10-10T16:44:00.001-05:00

Watch the latest videos on YouTube.com

2007-10-04T12:33:00.001-05:00

Analytics Test.

Music I am Currently Enjoying

2007-07-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

Spoon: The Underdog

The Stokes: Ize of the World, You Only Live Once

Feist: 1 2 3 4

Music Video Facts: Soilwork and In Flames

2007-06-29T14:28:00.000-05:00

Snowball fights are metal

I really like this and only this Soilwork song

Pantera has successfully influenced at least one lead singer (Soilwork)

In Flames has a guitarist with "tiger arms"

If you are from Sweden, you can be white and have dreadlocks

Jesper (In Flames) has probably actually taken guitar lessons

The I

2006-01-20T11:56:00.000-05:00

Did you go to the I? I did.

Go Fish Poker

2006-01-20T10:24:00.000-05:00

My friends and I have developed an exciting combination of Go Fish and Texas Holdem.

This new game Go Fish Poker (alternatively Poke-Or-Go-Fish) has been extensively tested at our weekly poker game and is not completely awful. After betting, a player may fish for card to make his/her hand from those who have folded. The player then either pays the folded player for the desired card, or if the card is unavailable, pays a penalty to the pot.

Here are the rules:

Everyone should ante instead of using blinds. This it to discourage players with no money on the line from just folding and hoping someone buys one of their cards.

Players who fold must hold on to their cards. They can still win money.

After the flop, players may fish for a card, but not before.

All fishing must take place after a bet. This is to prevent someone from making a hand on a fish and immediately going all in.

This cost to fish after the flop is 2x the ante. The cost to fish on the turn is 3x the ante and the cost to fish on the river is 4x the ante.

To fish, a player must ask for the rank of a card (an 8, a Jack, etc).

A player may fish for a specific card (8 of diamonds, Ace of clubs) but not for a suit.

Folded players only will respond to a request for a card one at a time, in order, by 1) passing the card face up to the requesting player or 2) saying "Go Fish!" I can not stress how important it is to actually say "Go Fish!"

When passed the requested card, the fisher must pass one of his two hole card to the folded player. This is still Holdem; only two hole cards allowed!

The fisher must then pay the folded player for the card or pay the same amount as a penalty to the pot is no one had the requested card.

This fisher's turn is now over and he/she may bet on the next round.

A player can fish as many times as they want per hand.

Here is some Poke-Or-Go-Fish slang I just invented. Feel free to work it into your personal vocabulary.

Harpooning - Successfully fishing for a card.
Capitan Ahab - Someone who requests a card a second time after failing to "harpoon" it on their first fishing trip.
Stocking the pond - Folding with good hole cards in the hope that someone will buy them.

I just decided that Poke-Or-Go-Fish slang is stupid and you shouldn't use it. Check out this spelunking slang instead.

Good Times!

Warehouse Management Systems and Manufacturing Execution Systems by Majure Data

2005-12-15T17:15:00.000-05:00

Here is the website of the company where I work.

I'm testing the "Add Comment" functionality of Google's blog plugin for Firefox.

Thanksgiving

2005-10-31T10:19:00.000-05:00

Last Thanksgiving the TurDuckEn gained fame for its nesting dolls approached to dinner. For those who don't know, the TurDuckEn is a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey.

I would like to humbly suggest and extenstion on this idea.

From biggest to smallest:
Ostrich - Emu - Turkey - Goose - Duck - Chicken - Hen - Parrot - Hummingbird.

Coldplay Scale

2005-08-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

Coldpay Musical Appreication Scale

Level 0 - Deaf - Can't hear Coldplay
Level 1 - No Taste in Music - Can't differentiate Coldplay from Slayer
Level 2 - Poor Taste in Music - Likes POD, dislikes Coldplay
Level 3 - Average Musical Taste - Knows Coldplay, Hey Ya, and the B-A-N-A-N-A-S song are good pop music
Level 4 - Good Taste in Music - Likes Coldplay, loves Radiohead
Level 5 - Too Much Musical Taste - Likes Fiery Furnaces, dislikes Coldplay

New Terminology

2005-08-04T15:35:00.000-05:00

IF FYI = For Your Information THEN G2K = Good To Know.

Example:
"FYI, I threw up in the glove compartment of your car last night."
"G2K, I can stop being your friend now."

An Open Letter Mr. Too Good at Sand Castles

2005-06-20T16:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Too Good at Sand Castles,

I went to the Decatur Beach Party with my wife, sister-in-law, and niece last week. They hauled in a few tons of sand to turn part of the square into a fake beach. The beach was packed with kids playing in the sand. It took focused effort not to step on a child when walking through.

You know this, of course, because you were there. In an area where each child barely had enough room for a pail, shovel, and their tiny self you staked out massive sand castle construction zone. I think you brought a full size shovel, a trowel, a 10 gallon paint bucket, a rake, and a level. Was there a wheelbarrow? I forget.

I do remember that you wouldn't let any kids near you or help you.

Did you bring your easel and pallet to the finger painting tent later to show those little kids how it was done?

Sincerely,
Christian Ashlock

Sport Gel

2005-05-31T08:44:00.000-05:00

I buy hair gel. On occasion, I style my hair. This is not really embarrassing, but isn't the manliest activity either. Real men are bald and in prison or have never cut long hair and are hunting buffalo in prehistoric America. On a semi-conscious level I must perceive purchasing hair products as a threat to my masculinity because I will only buy hair gel with the word "sport" on the bottle. This is obviously ridiculous as there is no sport for which well styled hair is a prerequisite. Most men must feel the same way I do as every men's beauty product from body spray to aftershave is sports branded. If a guy is bleaching his hair to match his favorite ex-boy-band-member, he can rest assured that there is a picture of a man competing in a triathlon on the bottle. Tough guys also prefer their products to be extreme or high endurance. If you're going to spend 20 minutes sculpting your hair into the perfect indie-rock-just-got-out-of-bed-mess, the gel better have the maximum amount of hold allowed by law.

Fishing on the Beach

2005-05-23T15:02:00.000-05:00

If you fish on a crowded beach you are a jerk. Statistics indicate you are also a University of Georgia fan. When you are setting up your fishing lines (which you aren't even actively holding) you are blocking off part of the beach from walking, sun bathing, swimming, and surfing. Baiting for fish is basically chumming for sharks which is basically sanctioning Jaws eating a surfer. Don't you have a bridge, pier, or fishy hole you can go to?

Things I Cannot Prevent Myself From Doing Even Though They Are Bad For Me

2005-05-13T08:29:00.000-05:00

Lending money to developing nations that are likely to have a populist uprisings and default on their loans.
Heroin eye drops.
Getting a third refill on sweet tea.
Establishing myself as a successful comedic actor and then trying to move into more serious roles.
Stapler tag.
Engaging in abusive hair stylist/hair stylee relationships.
Punching lions.
Saying "no" to a co-worker who offers you the last donut, but then killing and eating them.

Road Slow-Burning-Hatred

2005-05-04T14:03:00.000-05:00

There is vast array of driver behaviors that make me angry. I should try to be more Zen about congestion or move close enough to work to ride a bicycle. I should, but I won't. I will commute up GA 400 every day so I can increase my blood pressure and decrease my faith in humanity.

Traffic Anger Analogies (fill in the blanks):

BLANK is to Traffic Situation as BLANK is to Other Situation

Tailgating - Standing too close at a concert and face whipping me with your mullet every time you head bang
Failure to use your turn signal - Showing up to my house uninvited and drinking my beer. My imported beer.
Not vacating the left lane to let me pass you - Forcing me to watch American Idol because you are just mentally stunted enough to enjoy it.
Trying to squeeze through a yellow light and blocking an intersection - Murdering my wife because if you can't have her, fuck it, no one can.
Cutting in front of a long line of merging cars - Eating the last of the rations in our life raft while I starve to death.
Letting someone else in front of a long line of merging cars - Stealing $20 from me so you can buy drugs for a pregnant meth addict.
Slowing down to stare at an accident - Finding yourself on a hijacked airplane and helping the hijackers crash it into a pre-school for the blind.

Hurtful Things to Say to Animals

2005-04-27T08:05:00.000-05:00

Hurtful things to say...

...to a dog: "You are adopted."

...to a parrot: "You never have anything original to say."

...to an toad: "I liked you better when you were a tadpole. Sell out."

...to a snake: "Catch!"

...to a bacterium: "Go asexually reproduce yourself."

Caninie Versus Human Enjoyment Levels

2005-04-21T08:15:00.000-05:00

Activities I enjoy more than my dog enjoys:

Scrabble
Watching television programs about cooking
Ribaldry
Savoring Food

Activities my dog enjoys more than I enjoy:

Smelling feces
Eating carrots
Panting
Barking at children (close one)

Activities my dog and I enjoy equally:

Watching television programs about dogs
Playing Frisbee
Chasing cats
Being scratched

The End of The World

2005-04-20T09:21:00.000-05:00

A lot of people seem to get excited about the end of the world. They might not admit it, but they get really pumped up when some shit goes down in the Middle East that corresponds with the prophecy of the end times. Why would someone look forward to the apocalypse? I asked some completely not made up people this question and they responded with some completely not made up answers.

Bill: I've always considered myself a Christian, but it sure would be nice to have some proof of God's existence. I figure seeing The Four Horsemen spreading plague, famine, and destruction would really put my mind at ease.

Jane: I'm pathologically depressed but too lazy to figure out a way to commit suicide. If everyone dies soon I guess that would include me.

Mark: My life has become very routine. I think the rise of the Anti-Christ would spice things up.

Richard: I lost a $20 bet with my buddy Shaun about Y2K so I went double or nothing on the world ending by April 23rd, 2005.

Alice: I worship Satan, obviously.

Comparing Babies

2005-04-13T17:13:00.000-05:00

It is wrong for parents to compare their babies with other children. Who walked first? Who talked first? Please stop. This doesn't make any sense. You can not judge to relative worth of two human beings. At least not until they are both dead. Sure, your boy may be reading a year before your neighbor's kid, but he's got approximately 75 years left to screw his life up.

An Open Letter to a Television Show

2005-04-13T16:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Arrested Development,

How are you? I have heard that your ratings are not well and this saddens me.

Why can't everyone grow to love you like I have?

Sure, it the beginning, times were tough. I didn't know much about you. You reached out to me with commercials and I ignored you. To your credit, it did not end there. You said to me, "I have a David Cross," and I said "Oh? From Mr. Show? I liked that." Still I hesitated. You were persistent. You got to know my friends, and they told me about you. "Christian, just watch one episode. Nothing fancy."

My heart was cold. I missed your whole first season.

Fortunately, destiny is not easily denied. Tivo found you marathoning in the wilderness on FX. I watched it all, enraptured.

From there it was a whirlwind romance. We had Season 1 DVD rentals, a season premier, and finally, the ultimate commitment, a Season Pass.

With your 2nd season ending, flush with critical acclaim but poor ratings, and your fate in the hands of Fox, I have but one thing to say to you.

You are screwed.

Sincerely,
Christian Ashlock

Monsters

2005-04-13T16:07:00.000-05:00

Classical monsters: Vampires, Werewolves, Frankensteins
Eponymous monsters: Loch Ness Monster, Cookie Monster, Boogey Monster
Real life monsters: Giant Squids, Komodo Dragons, Dr. Phil
Not classified as a monster but should be: Unicorns, Care Bears
Worst monster ever: Elmo
Potential future monsters: Genetically engineered bears, re-animated Zombie Schiavo

Some Musical Lists

2005-04-11T13:59:00.000-05:00

Presenting songs that have the word "night" in the title where the verse is more interesting and more catchy than the chorus:

"Goodnight Goodnight" by Hot Hot Heat
"Up All Night" by Unwritten Law

In random order, things that the new Weezer single, "Beverly Hills", sounds like:

Steve Miller Band B-Side
"I Love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett
Cake, if the guy from Cake could sing a little

An assortment of songs featuring cowbell not performed by Blu Oyster Cult:

"Little Sister" by Queens of the Stone Age
"Electioneering" by Radiohead
Something by The Shins, probably

My Protest/Good Music CD

2005-04-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

I made this mix CD to collect music from bands that I think are good. All of the songs share the theme "The political situation in the U.S. and or the world could be improved."

16 Military Wives - The Decemberists - This song is wonderful and the best things The Decemberists have done other than The Tain.
Helicopter - Bloc Party - The Bloc Party are good at playing their guitars will be huge in America soon.
2 + 2 = 5 - Radiohead - A lot of people that are a lot smarter than me have said a lot of smarter things about Radiohead.
Revolution - The Beatles - I wanted to only put new music on this list but this song wouldn't let me.
Right Right Now Now - Beastie Boys - On one hand these lyrics are pretty shallow as far a politcal commentary goes. On the other hand this might be the only anti-gun rap song.
Holiday - Green Day - Most comebacks (cough...U2) feature watered down versions of past glory. Green Day is back with smarter, better music. Epic.
Price of Gas - Bloc Party - The new Bloc Party album is so good they get 2 songs.
Rebellion (Lies) - Arcade Fire - Congratulations, the Arcade Fire has been recommended by some idiot on a weblog 1,000,000 times.
No Reason - Sum 41- If you are sad the Metallica is not good anymore you should just listen to Sum 41.
When the President Talks to God - Bright Eyes On one hand this song probably isn't very good. On the other hand it was free on iTunes.
I Believe in Miracles (Live) - Pearl Jam - This Ramones cover easily bests Pear Jam's own Bushleaguer.