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Hurtful things to say...

...to a dog: "You are adopted."

...to a parrot: "You never have anything original to say."

...to an toad: "I liked you better when you were a tadpole. Sell out."

...to a snake: "Catch!"

...to a bacterium: "Go asexually reproduce yourself."

Activities I enjoy more than my dog enjoys:

• Scrabble
• Watching television programs about cooking
• Ribaldry
• Savoring Food

Activities my dog enjoys more than I enjoy:

• Smelling feces
• Eating carrots
• Panting
• Barking at children (close one)

Activities my dog and I enjoy equally:

• Watching television programs about dogs
• Playing Frisbee
• Chasing cats
• Being scratched

A lot of people seem to get excited about the end of the world. They might not admit it, but they get really pumped up when some shit goes down in the Middle East that corresponds with the prophecy of the end times. Why would someone look forward to the apocalypse? I asked some completely not made up people this question and they responded with some completely not made up answers.

Bill: I've always considered myself a Christian, but it sure would be nice to have some proof of God's existence. I figure seeing The Four Horsemen spreading plague, famine, and destruction would really put my mind at ease.

Jane: I'm pathologically depressed but too lazy to figure out a way to commit suicide. If everyone dies soon I guess that would include me.

Mark: My life has become very routine. I think the rise of the Anti-Christ would spice things up.

Richard: I lost a $20 bet with my buddy Shaun about Y2K so I went double or nothing on the world ending by April 23rd, 2005.

Alice: I worship Satan, obviously.

It is wrong for parents to compare their babies with other children. Who walked first? Who talked first? Please stop. This doesn't make any sense. You can not judge to relative worth of two human beings. At least not until they are both dead. Sure, your boy may be reading a year before your neighbor's kid, but he's got approximately 75 years left to screw his life up.

Dear Arrested Development,

How are you? I have heard that your ratings are not well and this saddens me.

Why can't everyone grow to love you like I have?

Sure, it the beginning, times were tough. I didn't know much about you. You reached out to me with commercials and I ignored you. To your credit, it did not end there. You said to me, "I have a David Cross," and I said "Oh? From Mr. Show? I liked that." Still I hesitated. You were persistent. You got to know my friends, and they told me about you. "Christian, just watch one episode. Nothing fancy."

My heart was cold. I missed your whole first season.

Fortunately, destiny is not easily denied. Tivo found you marathoning in the wilderness on FX. I watched it all, enraptured.

From there it was a whirlwind romance. We had Season 1 DVD rentals, a season premier, and finally, the ultimate commitment, a Season Pass.

With your 2nd season ending, flush with critical acclaim but poor ratings, and your fate in the hands of Fox, I have but one thing to say to you.

You are screwed.

Sincerely,
Christian Ashlock

Classical monsters: Vampires, Werewolves, Frankensteins
Eponymous monsters: Loch Ness Monster, Cookie Monster, Boogey Monster
Real life monsters: Giant Squids, Komodo Dragons, Dr. Phil
Not classified as a monster but should be: Unicorns, Care Bears
Worst monster ever: Elmo
Potential future monsters: Genetically engineered bears, re-animated Zombie Schiavo

Presenting songs that have the word "night" in the title where the verse is more interesting and more catchy than the chorus:

• "Goodnight Goodnight" by Hot Hot Heat
• "Up All Night" by Unwritten Law

In random order, things that the new Weezer single, "Beverly Hills", sounds like:

• Steve Miller Band B-Side
• "I Love Rock n' Roll" by Joan Jett
• Cake, if the guy from Cake could sing a little

An assortment of songs featuring cowbell not performed by Blu Oyster Cult:

• "Little Sister" by Queens of the Stone Age
• "Electioneering" by Radiohead
• Something by The Shins, probably

I made this mix CD to collect music from bands that I think are good. All of the songs share the theme "The political situation in the U.S. and or the world could be improved."

1. 16 Military Wives - The Decemberists - This song is wonderful and the best things The Decemberists have done other than The Tain.
   
2. Helicopter - Bloc Party - The Bloc Party are good at playing their guitars will be huge in America soon.
   
3. 2 + 2 = 5 - Radiohead - A lot of people that are a lot smarter than me have said a lot of smarter things about Radiohead.
   
4. Revolution - The Beatles - I wanted to only put new music on this list but this song wouldn't let me.
   
5. Right Right Now Now - Beastie Boys - On one hand these lyrics are pretty shallow as far a politcal commentary goes. On the other hand this might be the only anti-gun rap song.
   
6. Holiday - Green Day - Most comebacks (cough...U2) feature watered down versions of past glory. Green Day is back with smarter, better music. Epic.
   
7. Price of Gas - Bloc Party - The new Bloc Party album is so good they get 2 songs.
   
8. Rebellion (Lies) - Arcade Fire - Congratulations, the Arcade Fire has been recommended by some idiot on a weblog 1,000,000 times.
   
9. No Reason - Sum 41- If you are sad the Metallica is not good anymore you should just listen to Sum 41.
   
10. When the President Talks to God - Bright Eyes On one hand this song probably isn't very good. On the other hand it was free on iTunes.
    
11. I Believe in Miracles (Live) - Pearl Jam - This Ramones cover easily bests Pear Jam's own Bushleaguer.